I haven’t written in so long. I’m not sure why. I love to write. I love words and how they touch people, but nothing I write seems to have much meaning or impact or passion. Why, when I feel content and at peace, does my creativity seems unavailable? Why do the words have so little meaning for me? Surely, I have something of value to share. Or, is life more glaringly average than I imagine?
Last week, was one of the most tumultuous and emotional weeks I’ve had in a long time. In fact, the month of September reminded me of one of those extreme ultra-fitness challenges that you see on TV. You know with mud-pits and waterfalls and giant swinging hammers to send you flying. But last week? Last week was a prize winner!
- News of the death of two dear friends.
- Business planning with partners that are in sync.
- Kids at school being ass-holey to mine.
- Some amazing friends that care enough about my children to create a loving village to help raise them.
- Family members in need of some extra care and assistance.
- A face-to-face, with the very person who tried to ruin my business, my marriage and my life.
- Beautiful outdoors, full of golds and ambers.
- Driving my car…perhaps a bit too fast.
- Stressful meetings and my fighter’s spirit getting the better of me.
- Connection with old friends and colleagues. Genuine and heartfelt connection.
- Celebration of life, that made me both sad and joyous for the beauty of life.
- I think I may have been called a liar at one point. Ugh, really?! I may be a lot of things, but I liar isn’t one.
- And finally, Sir Paul McCartney, live (swoon)…need I say more?
It has been a rollercoaster of emotions, activities and decisions. Up, up, up, then plummeting into a dip, so fast that my stomach is in my throat! Ordinarily, I would be reeling with the stress of it all. Interestingly enough, I have recently noticed that those stressful, emotional events – albeit sad or uncomfortable – aren’t sticking. They hurt, like icy pellets of hail hammering my skin, but they roll off and eventually melt. The sting is temporary, even welcome, like jumping into a snowbank straight out of the sauna. It feels contrary to the type of pain that, in the past, would stick to me like hot tar, scalding and festering until it left a nasty scar. And I would pack that scar around like an ugly badge to remind me and everyone else what I had been through. Now, less burning, sticky, angry pain and more sharp pinpricks of reminiscence and challenge.
So, what is different? After all, it wasn’t so long ago that I was plagued with self-doubt, jealousy, frustration, confusion and despair. Something is different, but I’m certain it is not some miraculous self-evolved state. (You would believe me if you heard how many ways I can string together a half-dozen f-bombs in a single sentence.) Not me. I still see myself as somewhere between glaringly average and marginally incompetent in many ways. However, I seem to have a new Teflon coating that repels negativity.
So, I reflect and question…what is it? Why is this rolling off? What am I doing to make me feel better about life’s dips and challenges? Here is what I’ve discovered:
- I am careful what I ingest. I put good stuff in my body and my brain. From food and beverages, to movies and books. (Um, except wine. I still ingest wine, but not the cheap shit. I won’t touch that.)
- I actually love life. Really, I do. Even the challenges (especially the challenges), because they make me feel so alive.
- I take time in the morning to enjoy the experience of waking up. I leave my blinds open so that the first thing I see in the morning is the sky and the trees and the water.
- I move more. My joints and muscles are being used again! It feels freaking fantastic!
- I stopped caring what other people think of me. Don’t get me wrong. I care about the people. I care about contributing and supporting. I just don’t care if people like me or my decisions, because that effort is simply exhausting and there will always be someone out there who sees my efforts as manipulative of somehow offensive.
- I started macro-managing (It’s a thing…opposite of micro-managing). I am letting my people get it right on their own. Or not. I will help, but I don’t need to control every outcome.
- I am practicing presence. I try to really listen, without judgement of myself or others. To be honest, it’s a work in progress.
- I take time to be grateful. It works. Not only am I happier, it creates more opportunities to be grateful…and I’m grateful for that.
- I started doing more of what I love. I love teaching! I love taekwondo. I love business. I LOVE helping others grow and watching the flicker of confidence ignite and burst into a flame that feeds on the winds of challenge.
So, there you are. My new blog, albeit late. Life gets busy and things get tough and we sort it out and keep going. How amazing is life, for providing us these chances to be better and better!